friends · mental health


This post is all about Tom.

I found Tom, yes, admittedly, very soon after I left Jaden. However, I refuse to feel guilty as Jaden and I were over already and Jaden had also cheated on me horrifically and practically ruined my life. Tom was a breath of fresh air during a time that was suffocating. When I first met him, the first thing that struck me was his inherent happiness. No matter what the subject, what the circumstance, he was determined and naturally just happy and positive. I’d only ever seen this before in extremely annoying individuals that make you want to scream, but Tom just makes you want to be happy too. He made me smile for reasons I couldn’t understand, during horrible times and utter sadness. He made me laugh so easily I couldn’t believe it, couldn’t even register I was laughing until the dreaded snort happened.

There are so many things that drew me to Tom. So many things that I love about him. The way his eyes crinkle up so much they almost disappear when he smiles. The tanned, sunny face. The laugh that makes me laugh too, because he has this proper laugh and then this nervous laugh, almost a giggle, that pops up every now and then. The way he calls me beautiful every day and never misses an opportunity to say something sweet about me, because he knows I don’t believe it and he wants to change that. The big hands, capable and hard working and callused from long days thatching roofs. The “ska” tattoo on his hand, the cross that shows how much he loves This Is England. The boots and braces, the care he takes with his Doc Martens, like they’re his children. You can tell he loves his boots more than life itself. His passion for Vespas, and his love for England. Which I don’t understand at all, because let’s face it England is shit. Yet he has this unquenchable love for it. The shaved head and half inch braces that make him the skinhead he is. My skinhead. But my favourite thing, my favourite thing ever, is the smile. The smile when he looks at me and he just looks so content, like he just won the lottery. The front tooth that is slightly shorter than the other one. It’s so endearing it breaks my heart. He’ll never know how much that tooth means to me. That tooth means perfection amidst imperfection. Beauty in it’s truest form. Something real and tangible and just pure. Like his soul –  the purest soul I’ve ever met, he shines like a beacon through from his shaven head to his boot clad toes. Every inch of that lad is golden and happy. Yet Jaden wonders why I left him for Tom. ( This isn’t actually true, I left Jaden first but he seems to think I left him for Tom. Actually, Jaden, I left you for being cheating scum. Funny that. Passing the blame and all).

Tom makes me happy. We’ve been together two weeks today and he genuinely makes me so happy I haven’t doubted him once, like I have with everyone else, even despite losing all my friends over him. I’m 100% certain that I need Tom in my life and we were meant to be. However it plays out, he was meant to be here and I’m so thankful he is. It brings home the saying “dating to marry”. I’m with Tom because if we work out, I could see myself having a future with this lad. Genuinely. Because I’m willing, already, to put in the hard work and stick about for the long haul. Because he dealt with my overdose with such kindness and grace it brought me to tears. Because he makes so much effort with my entire family. Messages my mum frequently to check up on me when he’s not here. Asks how she’s doing and if she needs any help around the house. The first time I brought him home he fixed our door. He’s like that – he fixes broken things. With no expectation of thanks or praise or anything in return – he just sets to work because he’s confident in his ability to make a change in the world. We all know the biggest changes are made after small ones. It all starts with something small. Kind of like me and Tom.

So after all this happiness, what hurts the most is that my friends can’t be happy for me. “Friends”. If they were my friends, they’d understand why I left Jaden and they’d be ecstatic that I found so much security and safety with Tom. That’s what I don’t understand. They can be as nasty as they want about Tom but Jesus, he’s a saint compared to Jaden. He’d rather hurt himself than hurt me. He’s moved completely away from drugs and weed and bad things and my God, he had the bravery to do so completely alone. Moving away from friends that do it even though he’s been smoking since he was something ridiculous like 13. Stopping all the bad things just because he wanted to be a better person. The same can’t be said of Jaden. He works full time, has a future laid out to own his own thatching business when his boss retires. He pays his parents and respects them and their wishes. He feels bad about the smallest lie, and comes clean straight up. So far, he’s not lied to me about a single thing but I’m confident that if he does, he’ll tell me. I trust him, and after the way men have treated me in the past, that’s a damn miracle in itself. I found so much happiness with one amazing person and my friends can’t just be there and be happy? Did they want me to stay miserable? Did they want me to cry over Jaden for the rest of my life and become a nun and swear off men forever? What did they expect? I don’t get it. For one, I know if I was in their position I’d be bloody joyful for them. All I want is to share my happiness with them and improve their lives by introducing them to the pureness that is Tom and I can’t do that because they hero worship Jaden for some godforsaken reason. WHY CAN’T THEY JUST BE HAPPY THAT I’M HAPPY. Maybe they aren’t my friends. I hope to God this isn’t true. What did I do to deserve this unhappiness? Please tell me. I’m breaking. Sophie, if you’re reading this, please learn how to be happy for me and enjoy it with me or just leave me alone. I can’t go back to the bad place. I can’t go back to being sad.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s