TRIGGER WARNING THROUGHOUT
On Wednesday 21st June, 2017, I tried to kill myself. I took a handful of sertraline (promptly puked up), two 28mg packets of aripriprazole and cut my forearm to shreds. I waited in the forest for the end. I watched a circle of light through the trees that was miraculously formed by the sunlight hitting exactly the right spot. I waited.
This all started because of Sophie and Jaden. Yes, Jaden, the ex that let me fall in love with him before letting me find out he’d cheated on me with my “friend”. And Pod, the girl who was meant to be my best friend. See, what happened was, I was having a lovely day with my then 8 year old, now 9 year old brother. We laid in the sun, ate ice pops and laughed at the tv together. Then, all of a sudden, I notice I’ve been removed from a friendly group chat about a party. Almost exactly after, I notice Pod has removed me from her private twitter account. The account I’d followed since I’d known her. That moment, I knew, that my hunch was right and she’d gone back on everything she’d said about Jaden. See, just a week or so before, she had come to me and said she didn’t want to be his friend anymore. She said he does nothing but smoke weed and waste his life and lie to people, like me. She told my mum outside my workplace at 11pm that she didn’t want him in her life anymore. That she was so happy I had a new boyfriend who cared about me. That she couldn’t wait to meet him, to come to a car boot sale with us and have a good time. Keep in mind I had never told her not to be friends with Jaden, only to do what felt right because I knew I could never trust a liar. And then she cancels. I had my suspicions. I felt straight away, sixth sense or whatever you call it, that it had something to do with him. Days later, on Wednesday, I find I had been removed. I messaged my “friend”, Dan, and asked, distraught, why he had removed me from the chat instead of just asking me not to come. His response was horrible. It began to escalate. Panicking, I message Pod. Why had she removed me? This is where one of the worst days of my life started. I really had hoped this year would be better than the last. What happened this day haunts me and has ensured that this year will be just as shit as 2016. Pod told me that I didn’t deserve to be her friend, that I wasn’t good enough. That she couldn’t be my friend, because I had left her friend Jaden for a new guy. That I shouldn’t message her, that we weren’t friends anymore. My heart broke. This was worse than finding out that Jaden had cheated on me. Why? Because I thought it was always a solid that Pod would be there. I guess since we’re not friends I can’t call her Pod anymore. She is S now. S broke my heart in ways that Jaden never could have. I had trusted her to be there. I had thanked God for giving me a friend like her, who could make me smile on my darkest day; now she was causing my darkest day. Dan told me we couldn’t be friends because I’d left Jaden for a druggie – hang on. Hang the fuck on. Jaden and Dan were the biggest “druggies” I knew. They did pills, smoked weed, took powders. They were the worst. They smoke almost every day, if not every day. Tom has changed his life around. He’s not smoked weed for a week now. We’ve counted every day together. When he slipped up on the first day, he told me. We moved past it. It’s been so long since he did anything harder than weed. Yet I left Jaden for a druggie? No. Jaden is the druggie. He’s the compulsive liar. I’d defend Tom until my last breath regardless of whether we were dating or not because unlike Jaden, he’s turned his whole life around and been brave enough to do so. To move away from his friends who did drugs. To delete dealers off his phone. To tell the truth and not lie. He’s never lied to me. In contrast to Jaden, who lied to me about everything but his name. Yet I’m the bad person? For leaving the person who destroyed me and finding someone who would rather hurt himself than do so? For someone who would never cheat on his worst enemy, let alone his girlfriend? Surely my friends would be happy for me? Right? That’s what I thought too. But no. Instead, I get abuse from two of the closest people to my heart. I’m an idiot for leaving Jaden for Tom. I’m a bad friend. A bad person. I hurt Jaden. I’m not worthy of being their friend. I don’t deserve their friendship. They deserve better than me. I’m not worth it.
If your best friends had said this to you, out of the blue, what would you do? Because I went upstairs to hide from my innocent little brother, I hid my sobs. I tried to hold it together. I counted to ten. I practised mindfulness. I begged anyone listening to help me. I sobbed into my hands until they were pruning up from tears. And then I found my old friend, my razor. The first cut was the most satisfying. The deeper I dug the better it felt. The old tug of the metal as it snags on the fatty tissue. The bliss of the pain, the blood, the destruction. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth it. And it wasn’t enough. By this point I had almost ruined my new carpet with blood, saturated an entire towel with my vital life essence, and dug so deep I could see a vein. I’m not worth it. How could they say that to me? To someone with mental and self esteem issues? To a friend? How? I think I heard my heart break. I think everyone in the world must have heard, in the background of their heads, this small little shattering as I broke into a million shards of worthlessness. And it still wasn’t enough. So I sit there, and check my buzzing phone. Sure enough, there’s a message from Jaden. Telling me I had turned everyone against me by telling his friends not to hang out with him and getting a new boyfriend, and “just in general being a bitch”. Hold on. The barefaced treachery of this broke me. I had never told his friends not to hang out with him. Not with one single breath in my body. His friends had come to me and said they didn’t want to be his friend anymore. Never the other way round. Why? Because I would never ostracize and bully someone like that. He said “try your best not to turn what little friends you have left away as well”. He is cruel. He tried to make me feel even more alone and worthless than I already did. He succeeded. He ensured me everyone will have a great time at the party without me. Like they probably would in general if I wasn’t here. Then he sends me this. “What kind of cunt do you have to be to threaten to kill yourself and then blame it on your “friend”. But yeah I’m to blame for your friends all “abandoning” you”. My heart broke even further. I had told Pod I felt so low I wanted to die. This is how I was treated in response. Yet everyone thinks he is such a lovely guy? Such an angel? All my friends leave me for him yet this is the kind of person he is? It hurt so much, I can’t even explain how much. I felt the hatred through the phone. It felt like being told to my face to just kill myself and be done with it. I’ve never felt pain like it. Being raped hurt less. That’s all I can say.
So with a broken heart, mind and body I pull my sleeve over my wrecked arm and head downstairs. I take the pills and shove them down my pants so no one will see. I grab a glass of water and tell Seb I love him. I ask the neighbour to watch Seb while I pop out. I walk down the lane to the forest, get myself deep in foliage and take every last pill. Every pop of the blister pack felt like a sweet release. The pain, it almost went away. With the knowledge that I’d die soon, it almost went. No more hurt. No more trying to be happy. No more being kicked down and tripped up and knocked over at every turn by everyone I loved and valued. I sent my mum a message saying I loved her, but didn’t send it – she might guess something was wrong. I told Lucy goodbye. The only friend I have left at this point. I told her I’m sorry. It felt so good to know I wouldn’t be here and be alone anymore. I watched the sunlight and waited. I felt the warmth on my face. It felt like God saying it was okay to slip away. And I did. I passed out. I was woken up what turned out to be forty minutes later, by my sister who had guessed I’d be in my favourite spot. She carried me out to the first responders, while my mum sobbed like a child and screamed. The rest I don’t remember. I just know I heard the first responder say to his colleague that it’s a miracle I’m still alive. And with that knowledge that he was so utterly wrong and I had failed, I slipped away again. The next thing I remember is Lucy. Brave, beautiful Lucy, holding me and crying. People making noise. Paramedics. Mum, telling me that Seb was okay. At least I hadn’t fucked that up.
I don’t remember much of the ambulance ride. just feeling sick and tired. Getting to the hospital and having cannulas and blood tests and a lot of crying. Burge. Mum. James. Lucy. Charlie. Lucy’s friend. Rachel. Someone saying Jack was watching Seb. I’ve never felt so guilty about doing that to Seb. Mum told me after that he was terrified. Sobbing because the police had burst into my house and ran into every room searching for me. The poor child deserved so much better than me. They told me the only reason I wasn’t sectioned is because my care coordinator Sharon begged on my behalf. That by rights I should have died. I wish I had. It’s Sunday and I don’t feel better. I have no friends. I have nothing, but my family. Jaden did what he did and still gets it all. If I’d died, he’d have my blood on his hands. I wish I had. I’m worth nothing, not even a friend. I shouldn’t be here.