mental health

What prompted this blog?

This entry is about Jaden. My boyfriend. See, the thing about Jaden is that he’s infectious. His laughter, his smile, his happiness, his sadness. We met through Pod. He was too shy to talk to me but had admired me for a while. A situation I had experience with. It was all rather storybook and sweet. I remember the night we became official. It was February 5th, the early hours of, and we were saying goodbye outside my house. It was around 2am and freezing, so cold. I was desperate for a wee and couldn’t get Jaden to stop talking. He seemed nervous, and was waffling on and on until I, baffled, told him I had to leave due to impending chance of involuntary urination, and tried to make an exit. He grabbed my arm (gently, of course) and pulled me back. I was surprised and increasingly more desperate until he looked down at me, like a little boy lost, and asked me to be his girlfriend. It was a pure moment, with sweetness and good things floating around our auras.

From then on, we began to realise how amazingly similar we are. Really, the only difference we have is our music taste, which seems a small price to pay for him accepting all my flaws and making me so happy. He liked my ugly laugh, my ugly body, my snort, my shortness, the scars that littered my body, the problems that chased me like night terrors, the weird habits and eccentricity. He accepts it all and it makes me so happy. So happy I can’t even breathe. And in return, there were these little things I loved about him. His damn crooked smile is what made my heart do jumps and realise I really did have feelings for him. He hates the way his teeth aren’t straight and his skin isn’t as dark as his sisters and all these other stupid things that make him perfect in his own way. I love his caramel skin, his funny teeth, his Prince of Bel Air hairstyle, his freakishly large hands and feet, how tall he is. His brown eyes. My favourite eye colour, long before I met Jaden. All these things I love so much. Now, I’m not saying I’m in love with Jaden, but there are certainly a lot of things about him that I love. And it’s very obvious how much I care. He made everything seem better. He makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt and my mouth is aching. He makes me smile on crappy days when I think I won’t ever smile again. We have so many things in common – our love of scary movies, violence, tea, monster munch, garlic, mixed martial arts… The list goes on. He knows me so well, he’d hold my hand when something made me anxious, he’d make me tea constantly without even needing to ask if I wanted any, he’d do everything he could to make me laugh. I’ve never felt so safe with someone. Ever.

Jaden is bright like sunlight. He’s so warm and comforting. Not bright like a firework in night sky, but like middle of August sun that beats and blazes down on you and pushes everything into little corners and makes everything a little bit brighter. That one smile he does that can always make me smile too. The smell of his skin and his clothes that seems ingrained in my nose. He always smells so good. He reminds me of long winding roads in the sun, of terracotta and hot Italian breezes and waves crashing on the shore. I dare say the attachment to him I formed is what allowed my mind to think of him this way but even as I type it I know it’s wrong. He is beautiful and special in his own way, he glows. He is synonymous with safety and comfort to me. I knew Jaden would never hurt me. And that’s when I found out he had cheated on me.

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