So Jaden really hurt me. Not only Jaden, but my friends. The issue is that I still care about him way too much. I can’t leave him be. I don’t want to leave him be. I don’t want to not have Jaden in my life. So we talked. My main hurt was that three times, three times means it was on purpose. Once, could be considered a mistake. A drunk mistake. Or whatever. But three times? That means he knew what he was doing. He knew that he was cheating on me, and he knew that she liked him. And really, that’s the bit that hurts. Not even that he kept it from me for so long, let me hang out with CB because I thought she was my friend when she was really just after my boyfriend. Let me buy her food, buy her presents from my holiday, let me trust her with my problems because I thought she was my friend. How he could know that she was laughing at me, taking advantage of my damn bleeding heart and letting me do things to help her. After she wrecked my life and tore my heart up, with him. Because I’m not forgetting he was just as much to blame as her. I don’t just blame her, it’s not just her fault it is his too. The difference is, she wanted to hurt me. She wanted me to doubt every good thought about myself and hate who I am because I wasn’t good enough. And I know that he didn’t have those intentions. He may be an idiot, and an arsehole, but he isn’t cruel. At least not on purpose. And to me, that makes a clear difference. Intent is everything. He thought he did the right thing by not telling me and sparing me the pain. Admittedly, he was wrong. So damn wrong. But at least he thought he was doing the right thing. She knew. She knew it would break my heart and all she cared about was whether she’d still have friends or not.
I can’t get out of my head the thought of them together. Is she better than me? Is she prettier, is she smarter? Is she skinnier, does she have a better body? Is he more attracted to her than me? Is she a better person than I am? I had a long chat with mum about Jaden and his family life and how his mum and Sue fell out over Sophie and Jaden’s friendship. Jaden was brought up, according to Becky, in a very Jamaican family setting. He wasn’t allowed to show emotions and be himself wish means he has struggled with many things and often explodes outwardly when it’s all too much. This makes it difficult for me because as of now I already don’t trust him. I don’t know how to trust him again, truth be told. It hurts so much to think about what he did to me. I still haven’t told mum it was three times, I only made out it was the once. I don’t think I can tell her because she would make me out to be a complete mug. I know she’d hate me for loving him still after he cheated three times. I hate myself so she doesn’t have to, I already feel like shit. I wish to God he hadn’t done it and it could all be taken back but CB clearly had a massive attachment to him and was determined to get him either way. She never wanted to be my friend or cared about me, she wanted my boyfriend and that hurts. What kind of person does that? So obviously its all affected me badly and I self harmed all over really and now I have fresh cuts all over the place. My left arm is almost entirely covered from the elbow up and even a little below and my right leg is the same from the knee up, also a little below on my calf. Mum is going to notice again. It’s bleeding through my clothes no matter what I do to stop it and I’m just so tired of hiding my injuries. The pain was too bad and I needed physical pain to distract from it I guess. I needed to see myself bleed. I hate myself so much sometimes I wish the world would just end me or a meteor would hit me and I’d be dead and unaffected by all this shit. I wish my lungs would give out and the world would stop moving and things would be easier but it never is. Will I ever not feel alone? Keep in mind I don’t want anyone’s pity and I’d be happier if fewer people read this. This isn’t some fucked up suicide note either, just a sad girl expressing her hurt. I don’t know how to handle all this and it scares me that people might see this and know this side of me. But I know I would never be this honest in my handwritten diary. I’d never admit this to myself. Writing it down here somehow makes it more real. I needed to get this out.
I’m so disgusted with myself. I trusted these people who hurt me. And I haven’t told him to leave me alone and never speak to me again and stay away from me. Why? Because I care too much. I don’t want to hurt him. Isn’t that the biggest pisstake? After what he’s done I don’t want to hurt him? There must be something wrong with me that that is how I feel. It’s fucked up. I wish I wanted to cause him pain, but instead I just want to tell him he’ll be okay. People make mistakes and I listened when his mum told me he’d been going secretly through his worst period of depression. I listened when she said that he did it because he knew he wasn’t good enough for me, that he wanted to prove to himself that he didn’t deserve me. And in strange ways I understood. And that makes me inexplicably angry. Why am I so calm and understanding about this? When I’m on my own I’m a wreck. I’m broken. My hope is gone. My hope in humanity and love and happiness is gone. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. I thought I finally was with him and it wasn’t even real – he had kept this secret from me. The entire time I thought we had something real and he was hiding the fact that he had done this. So was any of it real? Was anything? How do I know? How can I trust him again? Why haven’t I walked away and left? Instead I’m here trying to rationalise why he did it and how to get past it. Instead I sit here thinking about why it was my fault and how I wasn’t good enough and there was more I should have done to make sure he was happy otherwise he never would have hurt me like this. Instead I sit here and hate myself, and not him, for the pain that is now living in my every movement, my every breath. It’s all my fault. I’m disgusting. I’m wrong. How could anyone ever love me? If I’m not enough for him, I’m not enough for anyone. I am disgusting. I am filth. I am used and dirty and stupid and unlovable. I wouldn’t want me either. How can I expect him to?
I wish I didn’t have to stop feeling safe around him. I wish I could trust the things he says. I wish I still felt special. He asked me for another chance. He said he’ll block her on everything, tell her never to talk to him again. That she meant nothing. She doesn’t matter to him. Is that worse? That he could cheat on me with someone he didn’t give a crap about? Or is that better? That he didn’t care? I can’t tell. He’s been understanding of everyone who told me I should leave him. He said they’re right, he doesn’t deserve me. Truth is, I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve to be here. I’m wasting space that could be occupied by someone else. Someone better. Someone happy and pretty and smart. Just anyone but me. When I die, someone else will be born in my place; one leaves, another enters. This is what I want. Ashes to ashes and all. I just wish it was that simple. That I could float away into the ether and become one with the earth. That the world wouldn’t notice my absence. That mum wouldn’t blame herself for not having a normal daughter. That my siblings wouldn’t wonder if there was something they could do. That my boss wouldn’t have to find a replacement for me on short notice. I guess you can’t really give two weeks notice that you’re about to die, can you? Maybe you can. If he asks where I’ll be working next, I could say, up there cleaning the pearly gates. Or down there, prodding Hitler with a burning pitchfork. Or just blowing in the wind, just empty matter occupying the air. Again, this isn’t some suicide note. I’m here for now. Trapped in a pretty big rut but not planning the end as such. Just drifting, waiting for the time when I feel I can leave everyone with the smallest impact possible. It’ll happen one day. And maybe that’s why I’ve stayed with Jaden. When I’m dead it won’t matter that he cheated on me. When I’m dead nothing will matter again and I won’t have to think about him or CB or how much I hate myself. I will be making a special request down there for a nice patch of burning brimstone for CB though.
Til next time.